Teenagers and Their Friends

Teenagers form all kinds of relationships. Friendships provide teenagers the opportunity to start building relationships outside of the family. As human beings, God has created us to be social creatures. No wonder we are very comfortable in the company of family, friends and acquaintances. Friendship is an important element in our lives. It brings about a fulfilled and contented life and people who have close friends are usually happy and stable. But on the other hand, our friends may cause us grief, hardship and disappointment.

Importance of Friendship to Teens

During the teenage years, a lot of teens will prefer to spend more time with their peers than with their parents, siblings, etc. Therefore, friends influence many aspects of a teenager’s life. Healthy friendships can help teenagers engage in a positive lifestyle and avoid the negative characteristics that are associated with this period of their life.

1.      Healthy Self-esteem

When teenagers have healthy friendships, they feel accepted and confident which paves the way for healthy social and emotional development. Such a teenager is less likely to be negatively affected by bullying and other forms of rejection and may also be less likely to engage in the bullying of others.

2.     Positive Influence

Friends can be positive influences in the academic, social and personal lives of teenagers and persuade a teenager to make good choices. Such influences include discouraging delinquency and encouraging success in school work. They also provide the basis for a larger network of relationships that will be helpful for the teenager later in life.

3.     Loyal Confidant

Teenage years, experts have confirmed, are often stressful. Therefore, trustworthy and loyal friends become very important to help teenagers deal with the stress and uncertainty that is a normal part of their development. In helping teenagers deal with the challenges of adolescence, friends can serve as a sounding board for tedious issues such as relationships, school, work, conflict with parents, dating, etc.

4.     Healthy Fun

Friendship is usually, a good outlet for fun and excitement and help teenagers to find healthy ways to have fun outside of home, school and work. It is when the friendship is unhealthy that a teenager may engage in negative behavior but healthy friendships encourage good companionship, recreation and the pursuit of positive, common goals.

Choose Your Friends Wisely

It isn’t easy being a teenager and having to steer adolescence but it is harder to do it without friends, especially those who share your values and beliefs. As a Christian teenager, friends should be chosen carefully noting the admonition of Apostle Paul, “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33).

Other Scriptures such as Proverbs 1:10-19 and Proverbs 4:14-19 contain warnings about friends and how we should choose them. We are not to associate with those who entice us to do wrong, no matter how appealing their “friendship” seems to be. Those whose “feet rush to sin” should be avoided. The path they choose is no place for a Christian whose choice should be to follow the “path of the righteous.” That is the only that path leads to friendship with God, which is the ultimate goal of a Christian.

Dealing with Non-Christian Friends

The world is full of different beliefs and opinions which is a point to note for Christian teenagers who have to deal with non-Christian friends. Your faith will be tested in many ways by their thoughts, words and actions. So, what should you do?

1.       Hold on to your faith. What does it mean to be a Christian? Regularly read, study and meditate on the word of God, which is the Bible, so you can gain more and better understanding. There, you will receive strength and courage to remain in the faith.

2.      Keep an open mind. Despite that your faith is sacrosanct, you should be willing to hear other points of view and learn from them. You will be gaining new knowledge and experiences as you grow older.

3.      Be an ambassador of your faith. Set a good example and a high standard for the Christian faith (1 Timothy 4:12). This will help you to interact with non-Christian friends. Even if they believe differently, they will respect your faith by your expression of your words, thoughts and actions.

4.      Discuss your faith calmly. In the course of your friendship, occasion will arise when you may need to comment on a discussion by referring to your faith. Taking note of the different points of view, make your submission with tact and dignity. Try not to yell or dismiss other opinions or cut people off. When you become aggressive and intolerant, such behavior will only drive people away from you.

5.      Respect your friends. Friendship is based on mutual respect. Just as you expect your friends to respect your beliefs, you should be tolerant of theirs. You do not have to agree with them, but you shouldn’t make crude remarks about their beliefs. Remain positive and agree to disagree. Remember that they have the right to exercise their free will. So, respect those choices.

Conclusion

There are many reasons why teenagers who are Christians need friends with faith:

1.  Accountability. As a teenager, you are confronted with the responsibility to make significant life choices. It isn't easy to make the right decisions especially when there are so many options which appear attractive on the surface but are in conflict with our beliefs. Imagine having your friends planning activities in church with you. You’ll be more excited to join them in church rather than staying in bed on a Sunday morning which would seem more appealing.

2.   Spiritual support. Friendship provides physical and emotional support for everyone, especially teenagers. So, they turn to their friends for advice and information more than anyone else; which is why it is very important that the support they receive from their friends is rooted in Scripture.

3.    Sense of belonging. Teenagers are so preoccupied with fitting in and friendships help to foster that sense of belonging. They not only belong to a Christian community, but also belong to Christ. This realization goes a long way to reinforce their confidence that it is cool to be a Christian.

Teenagers Bullying: What is going on?

Teen age, we will agree, can be quite challenging. There are the raging hormones, the uneasiness and anxiety as the ‘child’ grows into an adult body and the uncomfortable coming-of-age social interactions that contribute to the confused feelings of being a youth. Sometimes, this commotion gets channeled into abusive behaviour which is referred to as bullying!!!

What is bullying?

Bullying can be referred to as “continued harassment of another person either through physical or emotional abuse”. In the past, bullying was mostly perpetrated person-to-person but today, with the internet accessed nearly everywhere, bullying occurs through online chat rooms and social media sites. It is a behaviour that is directed at causing emotional or physical harm to the victim.

Teenage bullying can occur in the following ways;

§  Threatening and demeaning behaviour that is meant to belittle or target someone

§  Hostile texts and messages

§  Obsessive calls

§  Stalking

§  Internet harassment

§  Social media attacks

§  Name calling or other berating behaviour

§  Physical intimidation and even more overt physical acts of violence.

How does bullying usually begin?

Many parents of teenagers who manifest as bullies cannot help but ask themselves how their offspring could be capable of such abusive behaviour. They always want to know who is to be blamed. Would it be the parents, the teenager, the society or biology? It is believed that there are various underlying causes to a bully’s behaviour. It could be as a result of the anxiety of being an adolescent, a traumatic experience, peer pressure, faulty parenting styles, or a combination of the above. The truth is that bullying is a show of power by the bully. It feeds the perpetrator’s need for domination which manifests in degrading the victim.

Why bullying occurs?

§  The bully wants to feel like a big shot to attract friends

§  There are no negative consequences

§  To gain some measure of power over others

The Role of Certain Contributors

1)     Hormones

Hormones play an integral role in the act of bullying. Chemical changes in the teen’s brain as they continue to grow and develop contribute greatly to all “acting out” behaviors. Imbalances in hormone levels during this time can cause surprisingly erratic and dominating behavior, even from children who never behaved in this way before. People who experience hormonal imbalances often describe intense feelings of turmoil and isolation. These imbalances will often eventually pass as the chaos of the teen years wanes, unless there is an underlying chemical problem.

2)     Emotions

Emotions are directly related to hormonal dynamics, though hormones are not solely responsible for distressed emotions. Many things could cause a teen to experience negative emotions and their hormones often serve to amplify them, like adding gasoline to a fire that is already burning. Romantic problems, feelings of alienation, parental neglect or abuse can all lead a teen to feel out of control. To baffled and upset teenagers, bullying can seem like the only way to take back control of a chaotic world and master their swirling emotions, and this method can work for a short time. But the relief that springs from acting out against another is not sustainable. Eventually the teenager will have to come to terms with their emotional world, whether through their own means or through the guidance of their elders, talk and behavior therapy.

3)     Self esteem

Self esteem issues can also contribute to bullying dynamics. For teenagers bullying can seem like an easy solution to low self esteem. This is not a conscious decision, but an underlying desire to undercut others to make themselves feel more powerful. For example, a teenager may feel over weight, alienated, and self conscious. If they target an overweight or unpopular person to degrade in front of people, in their minds they are distracting others from their own perceived faults and shortcomings. For teenagers bullying can make them feel powerful where they would otherwise feel threatened or weak.

4)     Acting out abuse

Sometimes bullying behavior can be a direct result of abuse that the bully is sustaining or witnessing at home. If a teenager feels consistently dominated by their parents/caregivers, they may attempt to act out that domination on their peers. This is either because domination was normalized in their home and they perceive the destructive behavior as normal, or they are attempting to regain control where their parent/caregiver has left them powerless. Either way, other adults, especially teachers, have a responsibility to look out for the early warning signs in adolescents.

Effects of bullying

The effects of bullying can lead to permanent problems in the victim’s life. They include, low self esteem, self hatred, or internalizing and carrying on the dominating behavior on their own. These problems may take years of therapy, costing lots of money and time for professional help to repair. The victim of bullying can feel pressured, worthless, or flawed. They will often blame themselves which could lead to a lifestyle of self-harm or other destructive behavior.

How to prevent bullying:

1)     Early intervention

§  Act quickly. Time is of the essence because bullying can quickly escalate to violence. The faster the problems are recognized, the sooner they can be reported and resolved.

§  Report it. When you suspect that bullying is going on, immediately report to another adult – teachers, the principal, parents of the youth being bullied or parents of the one doing the bullying, your own parents, elder in the community, etc. It is important to protect the victim. Do not ignore!

§  Should you hear mean talk or behaviour, talk to the offender about the consequences of their actions. Also talk with the victim so that they can know how to ask for help if the abuse escalates. Often, bullying scenarios are made worse by the victims’ inability to come forward.

2)     Education

§  Make it known, publicly, that bullying will not be tolerated in your environment and the sanctions that will be meted to perpetrators. Post these messages around the community, school, church, office, etc, for all to see.

§  Videos can be shown in classrooms on the harmful effects of bullying and portray the act as a crime rather than a harmless act. Usually when teens are presented with the severity of the consequences, they will be more likely to act appropriately in situation where bullying may happen.

§  Hold regular talks between teenagers and their parents, teachers, community leaders on the perils of bullying, how everyone can help to stop it and how adults have the power to protect and minimize the damage when and where it occurs.

(Culled and edited from https://nobullying.com/teenagers-bullying-causes-effects-and-solutions/)

Social Intelligence for Teenagers

“Millennials (aka Generation Y) are great at social media (Facebook, Google+, LinkedIn, Twitter,Tumblr, Instagram, Flickr, Snapchat, Pinterest, YouTube, Vimeo, and Periscope) but lack time tested social skills ( patience, humility, active listening, respect for parents, teachers, elderly)” ― Ramesh Lohia

Social Intelligence is usually described as “the set of abilities and skills that we use to understand social situations”. These are the skills needed to get along at local gatherings, the workplace and the market place, etc.

It is a well known fact that a lot of young people today, lack social skills for various reasons. Maybe they were bullied as children and got used to keeping away due to the embarrassment. Or maybe they were simply shy and find it difficult to interact with others. Or then again, maybe they were raised, as children, in an environment with few other children their age. Whatever may be the reason, something needs to be done about the social skills and abilities of our young people to enable them get the best out of their endeavours in life.

More employers are now choosing social intelligence in their new recruits, over and above IQ tests and examination results. Social skills, they believe, are more important in the work place and need to be developed long before young people finish with schooling and begin to apply for jobs.

The ability to interact with other people has proven to be very successful in the place of business too. It serves well in networking, partnerships and alliances, and with linkages. The lack of social skills can be the difference between the successful business and the failing one. For, in that environment, it is no longer about just what you know, but majorly about ‘who’ you know.

In times past, there were lots of physical interactions in diverse areas of life. The family was a huge platform for social interaction. For grandparents, parents, siblings, spouses, children, cousins, grandchildren, uncles and aunts, nieces and nephews were close knit and there were family gatherings to keep everyone closer.

There were platforms for interaction within the community itself. There was the cadre of community leaders, women groups, youth groups, men’s groups, etc; the church, the schools, hospitals, businesses, the public services, etc. These were vibrant hubs for social interaction and relationship building. They also provided opportunities for mentoring, counselling, training at many levels, conflict resolution, etc.

Today’s young people may not have the benefit of such an experience but have the opportunity of social interaction taken to a whole new level, using technology. With smartphones, the internet, television, etc, people can now connect with others in far flung areas and build relationships too.

It has been said that the digital gadgets have contributed to keeping our young people locked in their personal corners, thereby promoting anti-social habits and over time, making their lack of social skills very glaring.

Statistics seem to prove otherwise. Rather than making the situation worse, young people, in a recent survey, who spent a lot of time online said they had more stable friendships than those who spent less. According to the respondents, their online relationships helped them to practice social skills in diversity, cultural understanding, tolerance and sensitivity.

Nevertheless, teenagers who desire to be successful in life need to spend less time on their smartphones and a lot more time studying, whether they be academic work, body language, courtesy, conscious sensitivity, etc. This will help them prepare for the world out there.

Today’s teenagers will need to be strong and to cope with disappointment; to cope in the work place and market place; to make a success of their relationships, marriages and families and be relevant in community development.

In view of the current social environment, how can teenagers develop and improve their social skills and abilities?

Who are our Heroes? Teenagers ask!

Introduction

In the schools, the most popular students are probably, the biggest bully, the rich spoilt brat, the ones who break school rules, etc. On the other hand is the media which glorifies this group of people, especially in films, sports, music, etc and focuses on the negative aspects of their lives. Remember, children, including teenagers are daily influenced by programmes on television and the internet and are imbibing the values of the heroes they see portrayed in the media.

The question then is, “Are these the kind of heroes we want our teenagers to emulate”?

The people that teenagers look up to as their role models matter a lot. They help to determine the shape and substance of the next generation, whether they be churchgoers, consumers and citizens. Christian teenagers therefore, need to know right and wrong, to make wise decisions and to enjoy good relationships. They should also have the opportunity to follow good role models who manifest our ultimate role model — the Lord Jesus Christ.

In a study conducted by Barna Group* among a national sample of teenagers in the United States of America, the results gave new insight into whom teenagers select as their role models and why those individuals capture their attention. Excerpts from the study have been reproduced below;

-                      37% of the teen respondents named a relation other than their parent as the person they admire most - a grandparent, but also includes sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, and uncles.

-                      11% mentioned teachers and coaches

-                      9% mentioned friends and

-                      6% mentioned pastors or other religious leaders they know personally

Notice that a majority of teenagers indicated that the people they most admire and imitate are those with whom they maintain a personal connection, friendship, or interaction.

-                      6% mentioned entertainers (including musicians and actors)

-                      5% of the teenagers mentioned sports heroes

-                      4% mentioned political leaders

-                      4% mentioned faith leaders

-                      1% mentioned business leaders

-                      1% mentioned authors

-                      1% mentioned science and medical professionals

-                      1% mentioned other artists and

-                      1% mentioned members of the military

The high-profile leaders most commonly named were former US President Barak Obama (3%) and Jesus Christ (3%).

The teenagers described a wide range of reasons why they named a particular role model.

-                      26% said it was the personality traits of that person (e.g., caring about others, being loving and polite, being courageous, and being fun were some of the characteristics mentioned most often)

-                      22% were looking to find someone to emulate or to “follow in the footsteps” of their chosen role model.

-                      11% mentioned encouragement as another reason for their selections which included those who said the individual “helps me be a better person,” is someone who is “always there for me,” and is the person who is “most interested in my future.”

-                      13% admired the role model who accomplished his or her goals

-                      9% chose those who overcame adversity

-                      7% chose the personality who works hard

-                      7% admired the personality for being intelligent

-                      6% leaned towards those who perform humanitarian effort and activism

-                      6% admired people with strong faith

-                      5% admired people with great talent and

-                      1% chose those who exude self-confidence

Although not listed often, some 3% of the teens identified wealth, 1% self-sufficiency, and 1% fame as the reasons for preferring a specific leader or role model.

The study pointed out that relatives were most often esteemed because of goals accomplished, personality traits, and overcoming adversity, while friends were most highly regarded because of the encouragement and support they provide the teen.

Faith leaders received recognition because of their strong spiritual convictions, their moral lifestyles, and because the teen hopes to pattern their lives like these leaders.

Coaches and teachers also made the grade because teens hope to follow their lifestyles and because of the encouragement coaches and educators dole out.

Not surprisingly, entertainers and sports figures are recognized most often for their talent. However, the profiles of the two types of celebrities diverge from there. Entertainers earned teens’ attention not only with their humanitarian efforts but also with fashion and money. In contrast, sports stars scored points with teens based on their accomplishments as well as their ability to overcome adversity.

The most common reasons teens admired former US President Barak Obama were his hard work and self-confidence. Jesus connects with teens because of his concern for others and being an example to follow.

David Kinnaman, the president of the Barna Group, offered four insights about the current mindset of teenagers based on the findings:

1. For better and worse, teens are emulating the people they know best. More than two out of three teens identify people they know personally as their primary role model. Many parents and youth workers fret about the role models of the next generation. Yet, one reason to remain hopeful about the development of young people is their reliance upon the people they know best: friends, relatives, teachers, pastors, and coaches. At the same time, that reality underscores the insistence of many parents that they influence the people with whom their child associates, in order to be sure that their children are surrounded by people modeling positive values and life choices.

2. Teenagers’ role models reveal that teens want to get ahead, accomplish goals, overcome obstacles… and be encouraged along the way. For all the talk about the social consciousness of the next generation, their role models are rarely selected because of a person’s service or sacrifice for others. Young people choose their role models because those people are achievers and because they help teenagers feel better about themselves. None of these aspirations is necessarily misguided, but the focus tends to be based on tasks and self, rather than on God and others.

3. Spirituality is only of modest concern to the aspirations of most teens. Teens rarely identified spiritual mentors. Moreover, few teens consider issues of faith, religion or morality when deciding whom they will try to emulate. Even among young Christians, their role models are virtually no different than other teenagers. (The only exception is an expected outcome: those teens actively involved in a church are slightly more likely to identify a spiritual or faith leader as one of their models.) While other Barna research shows that teens are active spiritually, that behavior generally does not influence the “who” and the “why” of teens’ role models.

4. Outside of their personal relationships, teen role models reflect a broadening mindset. The next generation selects its heroes from a wide spectrum of both people discovered through both the global stage and micro-niches. The menu of celebrities crosses multiple sectors, ranging from skateboarders and MTV hosts to international graphic novel artists, scholars, social innovators and historic leaders; from teen idols to celebrities who came of age in the 1960s. The eclectic nature of the role models they embrace is not new but the diversity of pools from which they choose those models is atypical. Their choices are substantially affected by media imagery and exposure.

Conclusion

The purpose of ensuring good role models for teenagers is to ensure that they mature into thoughtful and principled adults. Positive Christian role models will also help teenagers to develop strong character during their teen years.

*Barna Group (which includes its research division, the Barna Research Group) located in Ventura, California, is a private, non-partisan, for-profit organization that conducts primary research, produces media resources pertaining to spiritual development, and facilitates the healthy spiritual growth of leaders, children, families and Christian ministries.