How Do I Deal With People Who Hurt Me Deeply?

No one likes to be hurt, not even teenagers who unconsciously, sometimes manifest the “I-don’t-care” attitude. We already have to deal with a lot of responsibilities and expectation as we transition into adulthood. We take very seriously our relationships, physical appearance and social status and any disappointment along these lines can cause us physical and emotional pain. Sometimes, we take our hurt so badly that they can lead to other social and even mental health issues. That is why it is important for us to learn how to manage our hurt in healthy ways. There are many ways you can get hurt as a teenager;

Hurt by Family

Family members, though loving and accommodating can hurt too. It is on record that some teenagers suffer domestic violence and abuse at the hands of their own family members. There’s a kind of cruelty and wickedness committed against you by your own flesh and blood that is just so hard to bear.

Hurt by Friends

Some of the hurt that may adversely affect us by our friends include rejection, betrayal and extreme criticism. Because we value our relationships with our friends, we find it difficult to stand the embarrassment when they humiliate us in public or disappoint us.

What are the signs of a hurting teen?

·         Increased emotional stress. When you have been hurt, you can’t hide that feeling of sadness. It is written all over you. You are probably wearing it like a second cloth. You also tend to be easily irritable, angry and hostile. You also experience panic attacks and feelings of guilt.

·         Frequent crying. Some teenagers would simply shut down or bottle up their hurt but some others give way to uncontrollable tears at the slightest trigger. You tend to dwell on the incident, repeatedly, thereby increasing the flow of tears of sadness, anger and/or despair.

·         Withdrawal from friends and family. There was a time you couldn’t bear to tear yourself away from your friends; your family was such wonderful company but now, as a result of being hurt, you crawl into your shell, shutting out your friends and loved ones and want to just be alone.

·         Loss of interest in activities. Having been hurt, you tend to withdraw from your favourite activities such as sports or other extracurricular activities. You become very pessimistic, cynical and distrusting of people around you.

·         Poor school performance. School isn’t interesting anymore. You begin to skip school, abandon your school work and show little interest in anything ‘school’. In fact, your past rebellious tendencies seem to ‘show up’.

·         Changes in eating and sleeping habits. Because you are all by yourself most of the time now, your thoughts are filled with so much pain that you begin to suffer insomnia and manifest a complete lack of energy. You experience a loss of appetite and your sleeping pattern is disturbed leading to difficulties with short-term memory and concentration.

Without a quick and proper intervention, you can easily fall into depression and/or suffer other mental illness situations. It could also lead to some addiction – to food, drugs, irresponsible sex, violence, etc.

How to Cope with Hurt

Life happens and hurt is inevitable. People will hurt you just like you will hurt others. But when it happens, you need help to understand what has occurred and to embrace healing and recovery. Whatever it is that causes you to be hurt that deeply is going to send your body into a state of high alert. This is like an ‘emergency mode’ where a series of internal alarms are turned on. In recovery, your body needs to come out of that state and re-set itself to a normal state of balance and equilibrium. When you are deeply hurt, try the following;

·         Talk to God. Psalm 34:17-18 says, “The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.  The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed”.

This is one of the best times to go to God. Communication with God is what we call Prayer. When you pray to God in a time such as this, you find solace in that special relationship you share as parent-child. This Parent loves you like no other, unconditionally. You unburden yourself of your hurt and pain knowing, that not only is He aware of what has happened but that He also knows why it happened. You do not need ‘formed’ words and sentences to tell Him how you feel and you are rest assured that He will respond and give you ‘rest’.

·         Talk to someone. There may be someone (your parent, family member, friend, pastor, teacher, etc) you love and trust that can help you at this time. Such a person will walk with you through the incident and help you with a better perspective, something to ignore or discountenance, a wound to patch, and the way forward. Proverbs 1:5 tells us that, “The wise will hear and increase their learning, and the person of understanding will acquire wise counsel and the skill [to steer his course wisely and lead others to the truth]”. You need someone who will listen to understand what you’re going through, not judging or scolding; someone whose counsel you will respect because they mean well and to whom you can provide feedback on your healing process.

·         Forgive. I can see you rolling your eyes in shock and amazement. Yes, I cannot claim to be in your shoes but I will appeal to you not to go down that ‘Unforgiveness Street’. Let me share two profound quotes on unforgiveness;

“Unforgiveness is so much stress, I tell you. You just keep going round in circles instead of taking a straight path which forgiveness offers”. 
― Omoakhuana Anthonia

Colossians 3:13, “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive”.

You see, forgiveness doesn’t make the one who hurt you get away with anything. It makes You better. It reveals your courage and gets you rewarded with peace of mind.

·         Seek professional help. Some hurt can be so traumatic that they provoke really strong and chronic reactions in you. Some teenagers even manifest dangerous, reckless and harmful behaviour at this time and may have no one to talk to and no knowledge of or relationship with God. This is a tragedy waiting to happen. If this is your situation, then visit a counselor, or a therapist.

Jack Kornfield said: “Everything that has a beginning has an ending”. This certainly applies too to the unpalatable situations we find ourselves. Give yourself some moments to brood over them; assess the situation; talk to God; talk to someone; work on the forgiveness area; and if you have to, seek professional help. Bottomline: This too will pass. Get out of the pit!!!