Helping a Friend in Trouble

We, teenagers, don’t joke with our friends. Our relationship with our buddies is a really tight one. So, imagine your friend takes you aside and says to you, “I’m in trouble”; what would you do? And teenagers can get into a whole lot of trouble. You’d probably wonder, ‘What could be the problem’? Drugs and alcohol? Eating disorder? Rape? Pregnancy? Thinking about suicide? Planning to run away from home? Having an affair with a married person? Flunking school grades? Parent troubles? Or maybe something else just as serious. How can we support our friends and help them in times of crisis?

A major basis for friendship is to be there to hold up your friend through the good times and the not-so-good times. Already, it is sometimes difficult for teenagers to confess to having a problem, not to talk of divulging such to another person, even their friends. So, it is possible that your friend may be struggling with a predicament and not confide in you, for many reasons. They could be ashamed – imagine if it is about a sexually transmitted infection (STI); or afraid – they got involved in a robbery and the police are looking for them everywhere. Therefore, if you suspect that something is seriously wrong with your friend, there are warning signs you can watch out for.

Warning Signs of a Troubled Teen

1.            1. They are always irritable and if you are close enough to them, you will see signs of sleeplessness/tiredness/lack of concentration.

2.             2. You will also discover that they hardly sit down to even talk, or eat.

3.           3.  They seem to want to be by themselves, doing their own thing, some kind of withdrawal from regular activities.

4.             4. They look sad and moody, a lot of the time, and unconsciously too, like they are lost in thought regarding a troubling situation.

5.            5.  Sometimes, they just burst out crying or flay up in sudden fits of anger which they find difficult to explain. Your friend who was almost taciturn in school suddenly becomes noisy and boisterous or the talkative one becomes reserved.

6.             6. All of a sudden, they are excessively conscious of their appearance – dressing, hair, weight, etc.

7.        7.     The troubled friends with suicidal tendencies begin to express feelings of hopelessness and helplessness; fear and angst.

8.         8.    In the course of your conversation, they seem to care less about themselves and offer to give away their things; talk about travelling ‘far away’.

9.             9. They can ask you if you know someone who can help them prepare a will; ask if they will be missed, etc.

10.    10.      Sometimes, they seem to be avoiding you; and casting glances at you to observe if you are watching them.

Some Tips for Supporting your Friend

1.            1.  You will make them know that you care and that you want to help.

2.         2.    Let them know that you are worried too about whatever is going on with them and that whatever hurts them hurts you too.

3.       3.      Don’t be surprised if they deny that anything’s wrong or become angry and accuse you of prying. You just ensure that you are showing them that you love and care about them.

4.         4.    When they begin to talk to you about what’s going on, refrain from blaming or dismissing the problem. This will impede your ability to help them. Instead, let them know you are taking them seriously. Show them empathy and let them know you are there with them, every step of the way.

5.          5.   If the problem requires some level of expertise, like counselling or treatment or both, encourage them to seek such help but be willing and ready to go with them.

It isn’t easy to be in trouble as a teenager, whether small or big. So, having a supporting friend in such times may just be what you need to overcome what has happened, to get the help you need, and to put your life together again. You can be that friend. After all, what are friends for?

I Want to Know if God Exists

“Does God exist”? That is a question that people have been asking from time immemorial. Human beings typically, rely on what they know, see, touch and hear —usually through our physical senses. Don’t be deceived… Every teenager, at one time or another, has pondered over this matter. Some have had the courage to ask someone – parent, pastor, teacher, neighbour, friend, etc – and received a variety of responses. Some have asked but have been promptly shot down for ‘expressing such heresy’. Some others have simply mused and moved on. But you would have loved, just for once, that someone could simply show you the evidence for God's existence. It shouldn’t be an answer that requires any arm-twisting or responses like, "You just have to believe" but a candid reply which suggests that God exists.

For those who want to know if God exists, consider... Jeremiah 29:13, “Then [with a deep longing] you will seek Me and require Me [as a vital necessity] and [you will] find Me when you search for Me with all your heart”.

We will do a little search for God. As a teenager, you like to hunt and explore. The suspense, intrigues and revelations along the search can be very exciting and enlightening. You don’t like to come up empty. If God really exists; if He is really REAL, as we’ve been told all our lives; then we’ve got to find that out. Thank God (see that phrase!) the internet is there to help us but does it have all the answers? There have been many things said and written about the existence of God through the ages. We can also pick out a few things ourselves. Let’s take a walk!

1.   Look around you. Some things just defy mere chance. In the day time, there’s the rising and setting of the sun; we experience showers or even outpouring of rain; lightening, thunderstorms, the winds; the blooming and waning of all kinds of plants and flowers and animals, etc. At night, there’s the galaxy of stars, the moon, the sleepy clouds, etc. Around us are all kinds of soil, water bodies from ponds to oceans… how astonishing!

Geography tells us about the complexity of the universe, with science and all but it seems to point to something really deliberate – something out of the ordinary. The universe has not always existed. It had a start...what caused this start? Scientists, over the ages, have not been able to explain the sudden explosion of light and matter that they claim brought about the creation.

Things seem to come about with such exceptional orderliness. The day runs for a specific time into the night which also observes its specific time; the waters simply run along; we sleep and wake generally, at a given time; birds chirping, singing; movement, quietness… over and over, never changing! How did all these come about?

2.   Look at you. As teenagers, we know a lot about reproduction. It is taught in our schools in the subject, Biology. We know how babies are born, grow, mature and die… we are a product of that process, the sperm and egg meeting. It spells out a life sequence that is so deliberate. As scholars, our teaching and instruction materials are intentional, written with purpose. So, look at you. Every cell in our bodies are arranged like so. 

    Scientists call it the DNA code – that details exactly how uniquely, we are. As many human beings as we are in the world, over 7 billion of us, we have our distinctive qualities… every single one of us. We are born in different locations, cultures, mannerisms, experiences, weather, etc. We are of various races and personalities; yet, we have some things in common – we breathe air from our nose, see with our eyes, speak/eat with our mouth, move our limbs, possess organs for so many functions; get hungry, thirsty, angry, tired, confused, etc. How did it all happen?

3.   Listen to people. The world is full of witnesses, past and present, who have testified of His existence. More witnesses abound who have experienced God’s answers to prayers or felt the incontrovertible evidence of His existence. God does not just watch over the earth from heaven, He is present in people’s lives, working in mysterious ways. So, they speak about it, preach about it, write about it, talk about it, and sing songs about it. There are stories and confessions that cannot be explained physically… there is a spiritual dimension. 

    We cannot validate their experience but it is so real and so true. How do you explain that someone who was suffering from a terminal illness with all hope lost… and in just a moment, experiences instant recovery! Haven’t we heard of the blind seeing, dumb talking, lame walking, etc, after unsuccessful medical intervention; prayers answered in miraculous ways; help arriving in mysterious fashion? Who is behind all of these?

What science has not admitted is that there is a Great power out there responsible for all of these. The Bible tells us in Genesis 1 that God created the earth. “All things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator” (Alma 30:44). Even with so much advanced technology today, it is not possible to prove the reality of God through scientific means alone. For even with all the physical evidence, our human understanding is limited.

Do you need a dramatic sign or a physical miracle to be convinced that God exists? How can you know God is real? To get your answer very clearly, you must go to the source. James 1:5 tells us, “If any of you lack wisdom,” the Bible states, “let him ask of God that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not”. God wants you to know that He is there and just waiting for you to ask your questions. Like, “God, are you real”?

God is a spiritual Being. Everything we can see, hear and imagine can only have come from the conception and creation of the Almighty God. Colossians 1:16-18, “For by Him all things were created in heaven and on earth, [things] visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities; all things were created and exist through Him [that is, by His activity] and for Him. ¹⁷ And He Himself existed and is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. [His is the controlling, cohesive force of the universe.] ¹⁸ He is also the head [the life-source and leader] of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will occupy the first place [He will stand supreme and be preeminent] in everything”.

Since God works not just in physical but in spiritual ways, He should also be discovered—and proven—through spiritual means. So when you want to know if God is real, you must ask God and experience His answer for yourself. Prophet Elijah, in the Bible, learned that spiritual questions result in spiritual answers. In 1 Kings 19:11-12, when he prayed to God, “the Lord was not in the wind: … the Lord was not in the earthquake: … the Lord was not in the fire.” Instead, Elijah received God’s answer “in a still small voice”. Others describe a spiritual response from the Holy Ghost as a warm feeling, a prominent or unexpected thought, a clear sensation of love, or a burning sensation of the soul. Does God exist?

How Do I Deal With People Who Hurt Me Deeply?

No one likes to be hurt, not even teenagers who unconsciously, sometimes manifest the “I-don’t-care” attitude. We already have to deal with a lot of responsibilities and expectation as we transition into adulthood. We take very seriously our relationships, physical appearance and social status and any disappointment along these lines can cause us physical and emotional pain. Sometimes, we take our hurt so badly that they can lead to other social and even mental health issues. That is why it is important for us to learn how to manage our hurt in healthy ways. There are many ways you can get hurt as a teenager;

Hurt by Family

Family members, though loving and accommodating can hurt too. It is on record that some teenagers suffer domestic violence and abuse at the hands of their own family members. There’s a kind of cruelty and wickedness committed against you by your own flesh and blood that is just so hard to bear.

Hurt by Friends

Some of the hurt that may adversely affect us by our friends include rejection, betrayal and extreme criticism. Because we value our relationships with our friends, we find it difficult to stand the embarrassment when they humiliate us in public or disappoint us.

What are the signs of a hurting teen?

·         Increased emotional stress. When you have been hurt, you can’t hide that feeling of sadness. It is written all over you. You are probably wearing it like a second cloth. You also tend to be easily irritable, angry and hostile. You also experience panic attacks and feelings of guilt.

·         Frequent crying. Some teenagers would simply shut down or bottle up their hurt but some others give way to uncontrollable tears at the slightest trigger. You tend to dwell on the incident, repeatedly, thereby increasing the flow of tears of sadness, anger and/or despair.

·         Withdrawal from friends and family. There was a time you couldn’t bear to tear yourself away from your friends; your family was such wonderful company but now, as a result of being hurt, you crawl into your shell, shutting out your friends and loved ones and want to just be alone.

·         Loss of interest in activities. Having been hurt, you tend to withdraw from your favourite activities such as sports or other extracurricular activities. You become very pessimistic, cynical and distrusting of people around you.

·         Poor school performance. School isn’t interesting anymore. You begin to skip school, abandon your school work and show little interest in anything ‘school’. In fact, your past rebellious tendencies seem to ‘show up’.

·         Changes in eating and sleeping habits. Because you are all by yourself most of the time now, your thoughts are filled with so much pain that you begin to suffer insomnia and manifest a complete lack of energy. You experience a loss of appetite and your sleeping pattern is disturbed leading to difficulties with short-term memory and concentration.

Without a quick and proper intervention, you can easily fall into depression and/or suffer other mental illness situations. It could also lead to some addiction – to food, drugs, irresponsible sex, violence, etc.

How to Cope with Hurt

Life happens and hurt is inevitable. People will hurt you just like you will hurt others. But when it happens, you need help to understand what has occurred and to embrace healing and recovery. Whatever it is that causes you to be hurt that deeply is going to send your body into a state of high alert. This is like an ‘emergency mode’ where a series of internal alarms are turned on. In recovery, your body needs to come out of that state and re-set itself to a normal state of balance and equilibrium. When you are deeply hurt, try the following;

·         Talk to God. Psalm 34:17-18 says, “The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.  The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed”.

This is one of the best times to go to God. Communication with God is what we call Prayer. When you pray to God in a time such as this, you find solace in that special relationship you share as parent-child. This Parent loves you like no other, unconditionally. You unburden yourself of your hurt and pain knowing, that not only is He aware of what has happened but that He also knows why it happened. You do not need ‘formed’ words and sentences to tell Him how you feel and you are rest assured that He will respond and give you ‘rest’.

·         Talk to someone. There may be someone (your parent, family member, friend, pastor, teacher, etc) you love and trust that can help you at this time. Such a person will walk with you through the incident and help you with a better perspective, something to ignore or discountenance, a wound to patch, and the way forward. Proverbs 1:5 tells us that, “The wise will hear and increase their learning, and the person of understanding will acquire wise counsel and the skill [to steer his course wisely and lead others to the truth]”. You need someone who will listen to understand what you’re going through, not judging or scolding; someone whose counsel you will respect because they mean well and to whom you can provide feedback on your healing process.

·         Forgive. I can see you rolling your eyes in shock and amazement. Yes, I cannot claim to be in your shoes but I will appeal to you not to go down that ‘Unforgiveness Street’. Let me share two profound quotes on unforgiveness;

“Unforgiveness is so much stress, I tell you. You just keep going round in circles instead of taking a straight path which forgiveness offers”. 
― Omoakhuana Anthonia

Colossians 3:13, “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive”.

You see, forgiveness doesn’t make the one who hurt you get away with anything. It makes You better. It reveals your courage and gets you rewarded with peace of mind.

·         Seek professional help. Some hurt can be so traumatic that they provoke really strong and chronic reactions in you. Some teenagers even manifest dangerous, reckless and harmful behaviour at this time and may have no one to talk to and no knowledge of or relationship with God. This is a tragedy waiting to happen. If this is your situation, then visit a counselor, or a therapist.

Jack Kornfield said: “Everything that has a beginning has an ending”. This certainly applies too to the unpalatable situations we find ourselves. Give yourself some moments to brood over them; assess the situation; talk to God; talk to someone; work on the forgiveness area; and if you have to, seek professional help. Bottomline: This too will pass. Get out of the pit!!!

College Blues: Do I Have to Attend a Christian Institution?

There are religious academic institutions all over the world which are Christian, Islamic, Jewish, Buddhist, etc. Christian institutions are so varied and founded by Protestant, Catholic, Latter Day Saints (LDS), Pentecostal, Adventist, Scientology, etc, denominations. For students who have a strong faith and want to surround themselves with others with similar beliefs, a religious college might be good for them.

The decision to attend the tertiary level of education can be quite exciting and fearful for many teenagers. Nevertheless, every teenager must consider the choice of institution as seriously as the discipline of study. Why?  Some of that decision you may have to take has to be highly practical – location of the school, affordability, etc. In some cases, your decision could be on the academic reputation of the institution; while some may consider institutions that will support and encourage their faith-life and challenge them to apply their faith to their studies.

When you go to college/university, you join a community which spreads through the classroom, the cafeteria, the hostel, the laboratory, the sports field, the hang-out areas, etc. As a prospective student exploring a choice of Christian college/university, the community aspect may attract you a lot because it can help you learn more about yourself through worship, prayer, Bible study and fellowship with other Christians. Nevertheless, for many reasons, not all Christian teens will choose to attend a specifically Christian college/university unless it happens to be especially important that the college years will provide a forum for them to grow in their life of faith. A non-Christian college/university can still provide you with opportunities for growth in the Christian community.

Many secular universities have strong campus ministry programs or chapters of faith-based intercollegiate groups. However, you may prefer to immerse yourself more fully in the Christian community, experiencing all aspects of your college life. For such a student, a Christian college might be the best choice.

Attending a Christian institution will give you the opportunity to learn from older Christians and benefit from their explicit Christian teaching and mentoring. However, learning is best when challenged by divergent worldviews and there should be opportunities for your vigorous engagement which may inform the school’s commitments and strengths to missions, social deeds, the environment, etc.

A Christian institution provides a practical environment for you to engage your faith within the community especially, in active ministry in such activities as mission trips, internships, etc and sharpen your creativity and compassion in a godly way.

As a teenager preparing for tertiary education, you may need to ponder deeply about your choice of school. Try to speak with close family and friends to obtain much needed counsel to help you make this vital choice.

Proverbs 15:22, “Without consultation and wise advice, plans are frustrated,
But with many counselors they are established and succeed” (AMP).

Parents with teens facing this dilemma can do a lot to help them navigate the array of choices before them. In the article, “Helping Your Teen Choose a College”, Jeanne Gowen Dennis describes her effort thus;

“My daughter, Christine, didn't have a clear direction for choosing a college. Throughout her junior and senior years, she searched catalogs, discussed options with friends and admissions counselors, and attended college information days — but no school seemed right. She felt overwhelmed by the pressure of making a decision that would affect the rest of her life.

To help her make the right choice, my husband and I prayerfully guided her in three distinct ways: fostering an understanding of her gifts and personality, helping her match a college's focus to who she was, and assisting her in facing the realities of finances and other practical factors”.

Ultimately, as a Christian teenager, you need to seek the face of the Almighty God on that major decision of your life. He is the Omniscience God… He knows ALL things. He is your Creator and the best Navigator of your life. He put together your destiny and has gifted you with every resource and ability to accomplish it. Touching base with Him such as in times like this, not only reveals your vulnerability to Him but draws Him closer to you in your time of great need.

Jeremiah 33:3, “Call to Me and I will answer you, and tell you [and even show you] great and mighty things, [things which have been confined and hidden], which you do not know and understand and cannot distinguish” (AMP).