Say No to Narcissism

What is Narcissism?

Narcissism is the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness. Applied to a social group, it is sometimes used to denote elitism or an indifference to the plight of others. The name "narcissism" was coined by Freud after Narcissus, who in Greek myth was a pathologically self-absorbed young man, who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool. (Wikipedia)

Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has at least 5 of these symptoms:

§  Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

§  Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

§  Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

§  Requires excessive admiration

§  Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

§  Is inter-personally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

§  Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

§  Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

§  Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Hotchkiss' seven deadly sins of narcissism

Hotchkiss identified what she called the seven deadly sins of narcissism:

1.                  Shamelessness: Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.

2.                  Magical thinking: Narcissists see themselves as perfect using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.

3.                  Arrogance: A narcissist who is feeling deflated may re-inflate by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else.

4.                   Envy: A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person's ability by using contempt to minimize the other person.

5.                   Entitlement: Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Failure to comply is considered an attack on their superiority, and the perpetrator is considered an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.

6.                   Exploitation: Can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.

7.                   Bad Boundaries: Narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist are treated as if they are part of the narcissist and are expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist there is no boundary between self and other.

(Dr. Sandy Hotchkiss is a Clinical Social worker in Pasadena, CA 91101)

Narcissistic traits

Thomas suggests that narcissists typically display most, sometimes all, of the following traits:

•       An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges

•        Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships

•       A lack of psychological awareness (see insight in psychology and psychiatry, egosyntonic)

•       Difficulty with empathy

•       Problems distinguishing the self from others (see narcissism and boundaries)

•       Hypersensitivity to any sleights or imagined insults (see criticism and narcissists, narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)

•       Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt

•       Haughty body language

•       Flattery towards people who admire and affirm him or her

•       Detesting those who do not admire him or her

•       Using other people without considering the cost to them of his or her doing so

•       Pretending to be more important than he or she is

•       Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating his or her achievements

•       Claiming to be an "expert" at most things

•       Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people

•       Denial of remorse and gratitude

(David Thomas is the author of the book, Narcissism: Behind the Mask, 2010)

In very simple terms, narcissism is 'foolish pride', d kind we refer to as "arrogance". Why is pride so sinful? Pride is giving ourselves the credit for something that God has accomplished. Pride is taking the glory that belongs to God alone and keeping it for ourselves. Pride is essentially self-worship, self-sufficiency, or narcissism (self-absorption). Other words to describe sinful pride include vanity, egotism, conceit, arrogance, and self-importance. This type of pride is hubristic and repulsive.

The following parenting behaviors may result in a child becoming a narcissist in adulthood:

•       Permissive parents who give excessive praise to the child, thus fostering an unrealistic view of themselves

•       Overindulgence and spoiling by parents

•       Failing to impose adequate discipline

•       Idealization of the child

A child who is spoiled or idealized will grow into an adult who expects this pattern to continue. Idealization may require the child to suppress their own self-expression to meet the desires of the parent and to gain their love and approval.

To develop a realistic image of the self, the child must be provided with realistic information of discipline and reasonable limits must be set by the parents as to what the child can and cannot do. Narcissists generally feel unprepared for adulthood, having been fostered with an unrealistic view of life. Healthy development of the self requires parenting that is demanding enough to encourage growth and independence but not so demanding as to prevent growth through over-control.

Consequences of Narcissism

To the outside world, it appears that narcissists love themselves, but this is not necessarily true. In fact, their self barely exists, and what part does exist is deemed worthless. All energy is devoted to inflating the self, like a persistent child trying to blow up a balloon with a hole.

Because they need continuous proof of the significance of their voice, narcissists must find people, particularly important people, to hear and value them. If they are not heard, their childhood wound opens, and they quickly begin to melt away. This terrifies them. Narcissists use everyone around them to keep themselves inflated. Often they find flaws in others and criticize them fiercely, for this further distinguishes them from those who are defective.

Children are ready targets. Narcissists consider children flawed and lacking, and therefore, most in need of severe "teaching" and correction. This negative picture of children is a sad projection of how the narcissist truly feels about his or her inner self before the self-inflation began. But the narcissist never recognizes this. They consider their harsh, controlling parenting magnanimous and in the child's best interest.

Spouses receive similar treatment. They exist to admire the narcissist and to remain in the background as an adornment. Frequently, spouses are subject to the same barrage of criticism. This can never be effectively countered, because any assertive defense is a threat to the narcissist's wounded "self." Not surprisingly, narcissists cannot hear others: spouse, lover, or friends, and especially not children. They are interested in listening only to the extent that it allows them the opportunity to give advice or share a similar incident (either better or worse, depending upon which has more impact).

Many engage in "sham" listening, appearing to be very attentive because they want to look good. Usually they are unaware of their deafness, in fact they believe they hear better than anyone else (this belief, of course, is another attempt at self-inflation). Because of their underlying need for voice and the resultant bluster, narcissists often work their way to the center of their "circle," or the top of their organization. Indeed, they may be the mentor or guru for others. The second they are snubbed, however, they rage at their "enemy".

What makes it difficult to help this type of narcissist is their self-deception. The processes used to protect themselves are ingrained from childhood. As a result, they are absolutely unaware of their constant efforts to maintain a viable "self." If they are meeting with success, they are satisfied with life regardless of whether the people around them are happy.

What does the Bible say about Narcissism?

Philippians 2:3, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.”

Selfishness and vanity are the epitome of narcissism, and they are particularly destructive and have no place in the Christian life. The narcissist has no time for others; their needs and desires are irrelevant to him. His focus, like Narcissus whose life was wasted staring at his own reflection, is completely self-absorbed. His life is of little value to himself, to others, or to God because he considers himself the center of the universe. He has displaced God from the throne of his life and placed himself firmly upon it.

As Christians, we are to be modest and humble (Colossians 3:12), and live in submission to God (1 Peter 5:5; James 4:7) and to one another “with all lowliness and meekness, with long-suffering, forbearing one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:2-3 KJV).

Narcissism is bound up in selfish ambition—putting one’s needs and desires above all else—and leads inevitably to discord, envy, strife and evil. These are of the devil, whose desire is to sow discord among believers and thereby discredit their witness in a watching world.

The ‘cure’ for narcissism is the same as for any sin—repentance and a commitment to Christ as Lord of our lives. Only through the power of His indwelling Holy Spirit can the narcissist become a true child of God, dedicated to Him and seeing others as better than himself. Only then can he become a slave of Christ and know the true freedom submission provides.

The Bible says, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28).

Quote of the Week!

"Love doesn't die a natural death. Love has to be killed, either by neglect or narcissism. Those guilty of these two crimes of the heart always hide behind excuses convenient; too ashamed, lacking in integrity and courage to face the truth. To them, it is always something other than their own actions, desires and self-importance that dictate circumstances. For these people, so blind to truth, true love can never be fully experienced for they have never really given of themselves all that they are." - Frank Salvato.